it’s ok not to be ok.

Grief is a like roller coaster. One moment you’re up, the next you’re down and another you’re coasting waiting on the next wave of emotion to come.

I’m so thankful for our family, friends, and church community during this time. They’ve been here day in and day out to pray for us, bring us food, get us out the house, and sometimes, just sit with us in silence. I wish I could explain to them how much their presence means to me in the moment, but sometimes I don’t realize it until after they’re long gone.

That’s when I board the roller coaster.

I feel bad for laughing because I’m supposed to be sad. I feel bad for being sad because I’m supposed to be strong. I feel…well, I don’t know how I feel.

What I do know is that I understand what Paul was saying a little better:

Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

My grace is enough; it’s all you need.

My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

– 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 MSG

I don’t have the strength or the power to heal my weary heart. But in my weakness, I can recognize that God has everything I need to feel whole again. Yes, it may take time, but I must submit my weakness to him. If I’m going to ride this roller coaster, I’d rather do what Paul says and “let Christ take over!” At least then I’ll be in safe arms regardless of how the twists and turns shake me.

It’s ok not to be ok.