the issue of love (part 1)

Many have realized that in the last year I’ve changed A LOT. I had always considered myself a Christian, but in the last few years I began to realize that I wasn’t living out the “abundant life” that Christ talks about in John 10:10b. Sure, I had “things” (material possessions, good job, great friends), but those things weren’t able to fill the “abundant void” I felt inside. In the midst of these thoughts creeping in, I had an opportunity to ask Christine Caine a question at a women’s conference that I had attended.

I briefly told her that I had always felt like I was on a roller coaster ride with God. Some months I was up (living for Him) and most months I was down (living for me). Finally I asked her, “how do you stay so grounded in your faith?” Though I paraphrase because my memory could not do her actual words justice, she said, “maturity.” Well, at least that’s what I heard. She did say you have to discipline yourself to read God’s Word and allow it to transform you. You just have to make it a habit, and do it EVERY DAY.  

Simple enough, right? Wrong.

I found myself trying and trying to get motivated to read the Word daily, but I just kept falling off.  Then, one day everything changed… 

I decided to pray. I got on the floor in my bedroom and laid flat on my face and through tears told God this: 

I don’t love you.

Yes, you read that right. I told God that I didn’t love Him. It was my truth. I didn’t love God. I loved what He had done for me in my life, but I didn’t love Him. I didn’t even know that I would say that, but that’s what came out of my mouth. Next, I said the following:

I need Your help. I want to love you, but I don’t know how. Please take away anything that is keeping me from loving you the way I should.

God took my request very seriously because the next thing I knew, I looked up and realized my family was 1000 miles away, I didn’t have a job, and I was single. He put me in a place where distractions were minimized.

I only had Him.

In the midst of my “aloneness” (yes, I know that’s probably not a word :), God began to do a great work in me. In order to do the work, I finally had to get it together and just “grow up.” I had to become serious about maturing more in my relationship with Him.

to be continued…