Curtain Call

Have you ever heard the phrase, “If you live by others’ praise, you’ll die by their criticism”?

Well, like you, I’ve heard that phrase in different variations for my entire life. And perhaps, like me, you’ve found that you’ve unknowingly fallen into the praise trap from time to time. I wrote on my Instagram last summer that, “in the quiet peace of home, I’ve learned that I was driven by accolades, not a calling.”

Ouch.

Rather than rest in the assurance that I was enough, I needed to hear “you’re awesome.” I was  placing my value in what others said about me. In my career, if I did a great job on a project, I’d get public praise and sometimes even a nice year-end bonus. In school, I’d win academic and superlative awards that would make me feel like my 4′ 11″ frame stood out in a crowd.

I lived for the Curtain Call.

According to dictionary.com, a curtain call is “the appearance of the performers at the conclusion of a theatrical or other performance in response to the applause of the audience.”

I perform. You clap.

The fallacy is that this type of life thrives on success and prosperity, not failure and hardship.

And you guessed it, when I experienced my first true hardship in life, it broke me. The most profound hardship was my first year of marriage. If you’re familiar with my blog, you’ve read many of those details so I’ll omit them in this post. What I will say is that the circumstances that broke me were all things that were beyond my control. Yet, I allowed the it to define me.

Here’s the thing, there is no fanfare when you’re hurting. Even more so, there’s no fanfare when you’re healing. It’s all awkward interactions and fake joy to keep that one person from saying more than, “it’s good to see you.” For an achiever like me who wanted her “good job,” I was forced to reevaluate everything.

When I was single, I could hide better because I had an abundance of alone time. With an amazingly vocal and perceptive husband occupying a great majority of my personal space, I could no longer run from myself. I had to sit in front of the proverbial mirror and face myself; and I didn’t like who I saw in the reflection: a performer for the people.

Through a Beth Moore Bible Study, lots of prayer and alone time with Jesus, a new Tara emerged. God reminded me that an achievement and the validation of people puts me in bondage. His love, my identity in Him and His sufficient grace offers true freedom to do His will. It means I can walk with my head high even when everything is crashing and burning around me.

In seasons of abundance and in seasons of lack, I can seek Him, live for Him and be satisfied. In this way, what I do or don’t do influenced by the perception of others won’t define me, it’s only who I am in him that truly matters.

Good thing He says I’m enough. Guess what, you are too!