those that wait upon the Lord

After we lost Phebe, I had a vivid dream in which I was running in a marathon. As I was running, I passed by people to my left and right, and my eyes brightened as the finish line came into view.  Excitement began beating within my chest, then it happened – I fell. I didn’t just trip, I tumbled and was so badly injured that I had no strength to lift myself up to complete the race. 

Those same people that I had recently passed began racing past me, crossing the finish line as I cried out in pain sprawled out on the ground. In my own strength I kept trying to pull my mangled body toward the finish line in sight. But it was no use, I couldn’t move an inch without feeling like my body was about to fall apart. 

As I lay on the ground I heard a voice say, “Those that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.” Tears rolled down my face because I didn’t want to wait, I wanted to finish the race! The voice continued, “They shall mount up on wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”

Over and over that voice gently spoke those words to me from Isaiah 40:31 and I woke up in tears knowing exactly what this dream meant.

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At the time of the dream, it had only been 2 months since our daughter died and our doctor told us it would take at least 6 months to conceive again. As I looked around me, it seemed as if everyone began making pregnancy announcements and those that were pregnant with me either had or were having their babies with no complications. 

I was jealous.

The “what” and “why” questions played over and over in my head plaguing me with thoughts of, “what could I have done differently?”, “why did my child have to die?”, “what is a cord accident?”, or “why do bad things happen to good people?”

I had to wait upon the Lord. 

About a month later, I just “felt” different. I hadn’t missed my cycle yet, but my husband and I decided that I should take a pregnancy test to “see.” Within minutes, the test came back positive. Three months after losing our first child, we were now pregnant with our second. 

Fear, excitement, joy, anxiety and a number of additional emotions immediately rushed through me. 

I had to let the Lord renew my strength.

Now, nine months after Phebe passed away and six and a half months into my second pregnancy, those thoughts are creeping back in as I watch others “cross the finish line.” Pictures of beautiful babies full of life populate my timeline and I continue to wait. 

I have to mount up with wings like eagles.

My son, David, is due two days and one year after his big sister, Phebe, went to heaven. As my due date approaches, I choose to meditate on God’s promises that my child will not die, but will live to declare the works of the Lord!

I will run and not be weary.

His promises strengthen me, and as I stand on that strength, I know that my waiting has not been in vain. I will, in fact, cross that finish line!

I will walk and not faint.